Cobb's Bill-of-Fare

In Short

This collection of comic essays takes dead aim at early twentieth-century pretense in food, classical music, visual art, and outdoor recreation. The narrator chronicles his reluctant encounters with pretentious restaurant menus, incomprehensible grand operas, surreal modern paintings, and grueling leisure activities. Through a sequence of personal misadventures, he champions the modest, honest pleasures of home-cooked meals, clear melodies, realistic pictures, and quiet living. Its lasting appeal rests in its sharp observational wit, vivid regional detail, and a cozy, down-to-earth skepticism toward cultural snobbery.

The Story

The narrative opens in the dining room of a high-end city restaurant, where a hungry customer longs for the hearty, unpretentious food of his rural youth. Instead of simple fare, he faces an overly elaborate menu, foreign sauces, and a condescending staff. This frustrating encounter prompts a wide-ranging examination of American culinary traditions. The discourse celebrates regional delicacies like Southern hot waffles, home-cured ham, and traditional holiday roasts, while lamenting the rise of tiny city apartments, sterile gas stoves, and tasteless hotel cooking that substitute hollow presentation for true substance.

Moving from the dining table to the concert hall, the focus shifts to highbrow entertainment. Dragged into a formal musical gathering, the narrator endures complex piano solos and dramatic bass vocalists before fleeing an overwhelming performance of modern opera. Escaping into the noisy city night, he finds relief in the simple, familiar strains of a street musician's hand-cranked organ. This contrast reinforces his preference for accessible, emotional melodies over dense, technical compositions that seem designed to punish the audience rather than entertain it.

The critique of modern tastes continues with a trip to the art gallery. The commentary compares classical portraiture and realistic American illustrations with the strange, abstract canvases of emerging artistic movements like Impressionism and Cubism. Frustrated by paintings that obscure their subjects, the narrative defends plain, recognizable draftsmanship that accurately captures the physical world, rejecting the notion that art must be baffling to be meaningful.

Finally, the narrative ventures into the outdoors to explore the perils of modern recreation. Attempts at river and stream fishing result in sunburns, lost bait, and accidental plunges into freezing water. A camping trip in a cramped, leaky tent nearly ruins a close friendship as minor physical flaws become unbearable annoyances under constant drizzle. Navigating an unreliable motorboat and enduring a frightening sailboat outing further sour the experience of aquatic sports. Reluctant to challenge the formidable physical prowess of modern female tennis players, the narrator concludes that the safest, most sensible physical outlet is a quiet game of golf accompanied by a caddie who cannot mock his poor swing.

How It Unfolds

A longing for real food An attempt to order a basic, traditional holiday meal at a luxury city restaurant leads to total frustration with fancy foreign sauces and pompous waiters.

The decay of American cookery A nostalgic look back highlights regional dishes like Kentucky spoon-bread and Virginia ham, warning against the decline of home cooking in favor of small kitchenettes and bland hotel meals.

Trapped at the opera An uncomfortable evening spent at a high-society concert concludes with a frantic escape from a jarring opera performance into the comforting quiet of the city streets.

Street music wins out A lonely, snowy Christmas Eve in a small rented room is brightened by the simple, imperfect notes of a neighborhood street organ playing a beloved folk song.

Confusion in the art gallery A visit to view modern paintings prompts a defense of clear, detailed illustration over abstract artistic trends that render everyday subjects unrecognizable.

Disasters on the water Attempts at outdoor sports produce only misery, from falling into hidden deep holes while brook fishing to getting caught in a sudden storm aboard a tiny sailboat.

Choosing a quiet retirement After evaluating various high-intensity sports and fearing the strength of modern tennis players, the pursuit of outdoor exercise settles safely on a calm game of golf.

The People

• The Narrator: A self-described plain fellow with simple tastes who finds himself continuously out of place in high-society culture. He wants decent food, clear music, and peaceful leisure, but is repeatedly dragged into complex social situations. By the end, he firmly rejects modern artistic trends in favor of familiar comforts.
• The Restaurant Waiter: A dignified staff member who regards simple culinary requests as the signs of a wealthy eccentric. His insistence on formal service highlights the gap between fashionable dining and honest appetite.
• The Bass Singer: A performer who dramatically sings classic maritime tunes while making bizarre facial expressions. He represents the performative theatricality of highbrow musical entertainment.
• The Camping Companion: A once-beloved friend whose small quirks become deeply irritating during a wet four-day stay in a tiny tent, illustrating how harsh conditions test human patience.
• The Female Tennis Champion: A powerful modern athlete whose impressive physical strength strikes intimidation into traditional suitors, convincing the narrator to avoid the tennis court entirely.

In Its Own Voice

"When you really have something to eat you don't need to worry trying to think up the French for napkin."

— Commenting on the unnecessary vanity of fancy table settings during a satisfying meal.

"All I ask of a picture is that it shall look like something, and all I expect of music is that it shall sound like something."

— Summarizing a straightforward, non-pretentious philosophy on visual art and musical composition.

"Right here, though, I wish to state that if anybody ever gets me out in a small sailboat again it will be over my dead body."

— Expressing firm resolve after a harrowing, uncomfortable experience out on the water.

What It's Really About

Underneath the lighthearted humor lies a steady defense of everyday American life against the creeping influence of cultural pretension. The essays push back against the belief that European fashions, abstract art, and highbrow opera are inherently superior to home-grown traditions. Through every absurd situation, the text champions clarity, honesty, and simple utility over artificial complexity. It asks why society so often trades authentic, accessible pleasures—like a hot homemade biscuit or a memorable tune—for over-refined, confusing substitutes designed mainly for social posturing.

Why Read It Today

Readers who enjoy vintage American humor, sharp social satire, and historical perspectives on early twentieth-century culture will find much to admire. The writing moves along with a relaxed, conversational pace, packed with vivid imagery, colorful exaggeration, and clever turn-of-phrase observations. Reading it feels like sitting on a porch with an amusing, sharp-eyed storyteller who takes lighthearted jabs at every trendy fad of his day.

Modern readers should be prepared for period-specific language, dated cultural references, and occasional social attitudes typical of the 1910s. The dense humor relies heavily on regional metaphors and historical context that may occasionally require a moment to fully digest. However, the core target of its wit—our tendency to embrace confusing modern trends over simple, proven joys—remains completely relatable today.

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