An Alphabet of History

In Short

Wilbur D. Nesbit’s An Alphabet of History is an illustrated, A-to-Z collection of biographical light verse that humorously reimagines historical and mythological figures. From Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar to James Watt and Zenobia, each poem takes a notable name and strips away traditional solemnity, reframing monumental historical events through modern colloquialisms, playful anachronisms, and clever rhyme schemes. Originally published in the Chicago Sunday Tribune, the book endures as a charming period piece that demonstrates the timeless appeal of using wit, satire, and informal verse to demystify complex history.

The Story

The book proceeds through the English alphabet, devoting a short poem to a famous figure corresponding to each letter. It opens with Alexander the Great ("A"), depicting the ancient conqueror not as a triumphant hero, but as a moody, frustrated general who laments that his victories occurred before the invention of ten-cent magazines, news cables, and cameras. Moving to "B," the narrative retells the assassination of Julius Caesar through the lens of Brutus and his co-conspirators, framing their treasonous plot as a dispute over Roman political appointments. Christopher Columbus ("C") follows, credited humorously with solving the mystery of standing an egg on its end and saving modern readers from missing out on international travel.

As the alphabetical journey continues, classical thinkers and creators receive the same irreverent treatment. Diogenes ("D") sits in his tub delivering "First Class Philosophizing" while searching fruitlessly with his lantern for an honest man. Euripides ("E") is presented as an ancient playwright who managed to craft enduring drama without needing modern theatrical ploys like chorus lines in pajamas. Benjamin Franklin ("F") owes his lasting legacy to flying a kite and getting a shock—though the verse dryly notes his wife deserves the real credit for giving him his door key. Science and medicine are similarly skewered: Galilei Galileo ("G") invents the thermometer only to have the public complain about being told it is hot, while Hippocrates ("H") grapples with patients who dodge their medical bills.

Literary and historical villains take their turn alongside heroes and legends. Iago ("I") proves to be a delightfully polite, smiling antagonist unlike the scowling villains of modern stage melodramas. Ben Jonson ("J") writes immortal verse while keeping clear of literary feuds, and Captain William Kidd ("K") terrorizes the high seas with a "yo ho" before the poet notes he would fit right into modern corporate trusts. Lucullus ("L") leaves behind a reputation based entirely on lavish dinner parties, and Methuseleh ("M") lives nearly a thousand years without ever having a corner store to sit in and chat about the old days. Sir Isaac Newton ("N") contemplates gravity after an apple strikes his head, while Omar Khayyam ("O") inspires endless parodies.

In its final stretch, the narrative touches upon Samuel Pepys ("P") writing his diary in cipher, Quintilian ("Q") running an oratory school for Roman lispers, and Sir Walter Raleigh ("R") throwing his cloak into a mud puddle for Queen Elizabeth. Shakespeare ("S") is depicted as a frivolous playwright whose signature remains rare and misspelled, William Tell ("T") cleaves the apple to spite a tyrant, and Ulysses ("U") wanders into endless mythological mishaps while Penelope waits home. After visiting Francois Villon ("V"), James Watt ("W"), Xantippe ("X"), and the cheerful King of Yvetot ("Y"), the book concludes with Empress Zenobia ("Z"), who is led through Rome in golden chains before choosing a quiet retirement in Tivoli, wrapping up a complete alphabetical tour of human history.

How It Unfolds

The ancient conquerors set the pace Alexander the Great sulks in his palace because no photographers or news correspondents exist to document his triumph, setting an immediate tone of playful anachronism. Caesar meets his end in the Forum after Cassius, Casca, and Brutus decide they have had enough of his arrogant ruling style.

Philosophers and inventors face everyday troubles Diogenes retreats to a tub to deal in wholesale truth, taking his lantern out on Mondays to look for an honest man. Galileo scans the heavens and invents the thermometer, while Benjamin Franklin acquires a sudden electrical shock that unlocks modern technology.

Villains and literary figures claim their stage Iago functions as a courteous, pleasant villain who quietly outmaneuvers Othello without resorting to modern theatrical scowls. Ben Jonson writes clean verse, Captain Kidd plunders the high seas with rakish flair, and Samuel Pepys records his daily observations in secretive cipher code.

Legendary figures complete the sequence William Tell shoots the apple off his son's head with a trusty arrow to defy Gessler's commands. Ulysses wanders into trouble with giant Cyclopes and enchantresses before returning to Penelope, and Queen Zenobia ends her royal conflict with Rome by retiring peacefully to Tivoli.

The People

• Alexander the Great: A world conqueror depicted as a moody, grumbling leader who feels cheated by fate because his grandest battles were never photographed, cabled by war correspondents, or published in popular dime magazines.
• Julius Caesar: A haughty Roman emperor described as a "frosty geezer" whose ambitious, aloof demeanor drives Cassius, Casca, and Brutus to plot against him in the Forum.
• Diogenes: An uncompromising philosopher living in a tub who views society with deep skepticism, carrying a lantern around town in a pessimistic attempt to locate a truly honest person.
• Iago: A master villain who accomplishes his schemes through polite manners and pleasant conversation rather than the scowling, mustache-twirling theatrics of typical stage antagonists.
• Xantippe: The formidable wife of Socrates whose sharp tongue, difficult cooking, and rolling-pin discipline inadvertently push the great philosopher to retreat into deep thought and make his historic name.
• Zenobia: The brave Empress of Palmyra who fights Roman armies led by Aurelian, gets captured and paraded in jeweled fetters, and ultimately chooses a comfortable life in Tivoli over submitting to her captor's wishes.

In Its Own Voice

"Who frets about the mystery / Enshrouding all of history / On reading this will, maybe, see / We've made it plain as A, B, C."

The introductory stanza establishes the lighthearted intent of the volume, promising an easy, accessible overview of historical figures.

"He often growled, 'Dad gum it!' when he felt the glossy summit / Of his head, which was as bald as any shiny billiard ball--"

The verse humanizes the father of medicine, Hippocrates, by focusing on his personal annoyance with hair loss rather than his lofty professional reputation.

"When Watt was but a little boy-- / His papa's pride, his mama's joy-- / He sat beside the kitchen fire / The bubbling teapot to admire;"

The poem illustrates how a simple everyday observation inspired James Watt to dream of steam power and transform global travel.

What It's Really About

Beneath its rhyming humor and bouncy rhythm, An Alphabet of History explores the gap between solemn historical legend and baseline human nature. By placing famous figures into ordinary situations, the text questions how history constructs heroism and fame. Kings, scientists, poets, and conquerors are stripped of their towering monuments and shown to be driven by vanity, petty annoyances, or sheer luck. Nesbit suggests that despite centuries of cultural change, human motives remain largely the same. The book ultimately argues that history is far more approachable—and entertaining—when viewed without misplaced solemnity or artificial reverence.

Why Read It Today

An Alphabet of History offers a fast-paced, entertaining slice of early 20th-century American humor that will appeal to fans of light verse, historical satire, and literary parody. Reading the book feels like flipping through a clever Sunday comic strip from a bygone era, where sharp rhymes and witty punchlines reduce intimidating historical icons to recognizable, flawed human beings.

Readers should note that the text reflects its era's comedic style and topical references, featuring occasional outdated slang, brief references to classical theatre tropes, and casual period perspectives on historical conflicts. Its poetic meter is intentionally breezy, designed for quick reading rather than deep academic study. What stays with the reader is the persistent wit with which Nesbit bridges the ancient and modern worlds, proving that a well-placed joke can make centuries of historical drama immediately accessible and surprisingly fun.

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